Manifesting My Favorite Destiny

My surro and I have created a shared blog to chronicle this whole journey from both our perspectives.

I may update that blog more than this one on all things related to the surrogacy. So, if you’re interested, bookmark it.

http://thegreatsurroadventure.wordpress.com

Happy Holidays!!!

It’s 11:46 pm. We just got home from our second IUI in one day. We did IUI #1 this morning at 10 am. Timing necessitated a second one tonight. Dr. T. is so very wonderful to us; to meet us so late in the evening. And she borrowed a sperm washing machine from a local pharm rep so we could bring a fresh sample to her, and wash it on the spot. It was so cool. I helped her and watched and learned and it was very fascinating. I got to see both the morning and the evening samples under a microscope. A Team (as we jokingly refer to sample one) was analyzed by the andrology lab, so we have actual numbers on that one: 67 million with 100 % motility. EXCELLENT! In the microscope, it was like looking at Tokyo from an airplane, with so many little swimmers, moving in every direction, so frenetically, it really was like a grid of a huge and densely populated city! I noticed a few of the swimmers were swimming in circles, which made me giggle. B Team (tonight’s sample) was much less populated (Dr. T. and I agreed it was approximately one fifth of this morning’s sample, which would make it still 10 million, which ain’t bad) but the swimmers were bigger, they had longer tails, and were swimming very aggressively and in very straight lines. So, we decided we liked B Team better! Either way, we feel good about doing all we can and now we must just wait. It’s a huge relief and so scary and disempowering that there’s nothing else to be done but wait. Waiting is the hardest part!!!

As we waited until Heather could get up, after the injection of the spermies, we chatted with Dr. T. and we had a really great time. Dr. T. asked Heather why she chose to be a surro. We talked about the myths and misconceptions of surrogacy. We talked about how a joint blog will be a wonderful opportunity to dispell some of those preconceptions and bring it a more human face.

Here I am, desperate to be a mother. Utterly depleted after two years of heartbreaking infertility. And this girl, of only 19 years, from a small town far away and an entirely different world, has the capacity to bring me a lifetime of joy and make my dreams come true. It’s such a mind-boggling concept but it’s true and real and this journey is really something life-changing. It’s not just a transaction; it’s two people taking a journey together. It’s us helping each other out in the way that we each can. It feels in many ways very fated to be and I feel very lucky to have met a surro who I can honestly say I’m happy to share this journey with.

I feel so grateful. And hopeful. Please please please, let this work and result in the take-home baby I’ve been trying for so long to have.

That’s all for now.

Today was a ‘down’ day. Heather needed it. Jason needed it. And, as it turned out, we all REALLY needed it. It was truly a wonderful peaceful relaxed day.

We putzed around the house. We watched TV. We watched Jason toddle around with the dogs. We did laundry. We napped. We talked and bonded.

Heather made dinner for us! What a treat! Taco soup and cornbread and boy oh boy it was good. A recipe I plan to reuse for sure. We drank wine coolers (Heather), beer (Ramin), and Khalua (me). It was so very nice we didn’t want the night to end but we’re all tired tired tired.

We had our follow up scan with Dr. T. She saw some medium-sized follicles, with one stand-out at 16 mm. We will trigger tomorrow morning at 10 am, then do IUI #1 on Monday at 4 pm and IUI#2 on Tuesday at 11 am. You might think we are triggering a wee bit early but I suspect that Dr. T. is attempting to head off a HOM situation because there were a handful of medium-sized follicles. If we gave it another two days, we may have a situation on our hands. As it is, she thinks twins are a real possibility, which I WOULD LOVE!

So, in honor of the long dry spell of no alcohol that we hope is ahead of Heather, we had a last hurrah tonight together. It was so fun! We are really connecting well and things seem to be so easy and natural between us. I feel very right about the decision to do this. 

Bed is calling my name. Good night.

Today was a long day. I am plum tuckered!

We ran MANY errands in preparation for tomorrow’s appointment. We signed contracts with a notary. We got cell phones for Heather and her fiance so we can all stay connected. We had lunch. We went to Guitar Center. We picked up the trigger shot from the pharmacy. We talked about many things. Today, Heather honored me beyond words; as we were finalizing the contract she sheepishly asked me a question… She wanted to write a Last Will and Testament but had no one she trusted to leave her son to. She asked if I would be willing to be assigned guardian to her son Jason if anything should happen to her. She said she hoped it didn’t sound too ‘out there’ but that she had already decided that I was a person she was willing to give a baby to, so it stands to reason I would be her first choice as a person to take Jason as well. She was so worried I would consider this a burden and say no! Can you imagine!?! This kid will be my child’s half sibling! I told her OF COURSE Jason would always have a home with us GOD FORBID! So, in addition to signing contracts today, we also downloaded and wrote a will to that effect. It was a monumental moment for all of us.

These days are FILLED with monumental moments. We are discussing such BIG subjects. She is handling it all so well and acts pretty low key about it but about twice a day she says something that makes it very clear to me that she takes this as seriously as I do and that this has changed her life as much as it’s changed mine. Meeting her has been the most monumental experience. Words fail me but I do try to capture it all anyway.

She told me that the first time she was pregnant, everyone scorned her, lectured her, turned their backs on her, and treated the arrival of her son as a dreadful thing. They told her she had thrown her life away. They told her it was disastrous. I think she suffered quite a bit of pressure and rejection during this time. Today, she told me with tears in her eyes that this experience will be incredibly healing for her. The act of actually “trying” to get pregnant rather than it happening to her. And knowing that it will be a celebrated and joyous occasion. Knowing she will be able to hold her head high and experience the miracle of being pregnant without the stigma and negativity that her first pregnancy was shrouded in… Knowing that she’s pregnant intentionally and for a really great reason and that no one can criticize her… She views this as an incredibly liberating experience. Go figure!

Her son Jason is such a special boy. He’s so smart and sweet and good natured. She makes great babies! We are really enjoying getting to know him, knowing it’s a little peek into our future.

Tonight, Ramin held him while he fell alseep. Zeke was curled up in the mix too. It was too cute and I had to snap a picture. Here are the three tired boys, crashed out on the couch. Heather and I just basked in the image of it and shared our amazement at what we are doing together.

Here’s the picture. Enjoy.

Tomorrow, we go back for another scan. If things look good, we’ll trigger! Wish us continued luck!!!!

Peace out.

Three Precious Boys

Today, Heather got to meet My Wonderful OB. She is the best doc I ever had and I’m eternally grateful for all that she’s done for me.

Anyway, Dr. T gave Heather a follicle scan and the news was very promising!

No cysts. Whew! 

LOTS of follicles (approximately 10 on each side) that are all about 6-10 mm or so. We will scan again on Saturday and we hope/expect to see two follies at about 18mm by then. If so, we trigger!!!

Pray that those follies grow!!!

Jason, Heather’s baby, is absolutely precious and spending time with him has been exhausting and wonderful all at once. We went to Goodwill to buy some toys that he can play with while he’s here. I didn’t want to buy all new since they can’t take them with them back to MI and I don’t want to jinx anything by having toys in the house. So, we went bargain-hunting and SCORED! We got a See-n-Say (LOVED that one when I was a kid), a Fisher-Price toy telephone, a toy xylephone, a Care Bears music toy, and a fire truck! He was in seventh heaven!

Tonight, we went to Il Fornaio in Palo Alto. We wanted to treat Heather to an extra special dinner out. She was completely overwhelmed by all the fanciness and tried a few times to convey to us how different it is where she lives. We went through downtowns in Los Altos, Mountain View, and Palo Alto today and she said that she’s never seen anything like it. Where she lives, most shops are boarded up and abandoned. Most houses are for sale. Most people are out of work. We were just listening in utter disbelief. Obviously, I am developing a better understanding of what this adventure out west must be like for her.

Tomorrow, we take care of more business. We’ve talked about going to Monterey Bay Aquarium. We shall see if that comes to fruition. We’ve also talked about visiting the city (SF). She says she’s eaten out more times since she’s been here than she has in the past several years! I feel like a spoiled city girl with my empty fridge and paper plate-filled cupboards!

Zeke has been wonderful with the baby! It’s so sweet to watch! My big beastie boy is such a lover. The girls are also super delicate and dainty and sweet with him but that much I expected. I was worried about the beast and now I know I have nothing to worry about. It’s very heart warming.

Today, Heather asked me what I’ll tell my child about how they came to this world. I shared with her my idea of writing my own children’s book to explain to my child all the people that wanted him or her to come to this world and played a role in helping. I plan to have it bound by a local press and read it to him or her as a bedtime story from an early age. So they understand as much as possible from day one about their unique circumstances. Heather thought this was a fabulous idea and asked if she could have a copy for her son, to explain why she’s pregnant with someone else’s baby. Which got us to talking… Now, we think I should write a generic version of the same story and publish it for other surrogate families out there. Isn’t that so cool??? I think it’s needed and I think  I will do it for sure!

Anyway, I’m tired. Off to bed. To be ready for another day of this wild ride.

Ok, I know this update has been a LONG time in coming. I sincerely apologize. But frankly, after so many false starts, disappointments, losses, and the like, even I’M getting tired of my story. I can’t imagine how repititious it sounds to an outsider. This is, of course, entertaining the notion that anyone outside my head actually reads this mostly-dormant bloggy of mine. Nonetheless, I have been laying low until I had something I could hang my hat on to report about.

Now, I’ve got a few nuggets to share.

First, I was laid off. I’m very very sad about that. I loved my company and feel very sad to say goodbye even though I knew things weren’t going all that swimmingly. I take comfort in knowing (and need to share to alleviate the blow to my ego) that 600 other people were also laid off. I know it’s the way the cookie crumbles. I’ve been here before, after 9/11. It took me four years to restore my salary to its original glory. I hope that’s not the case this time but it looks like we’re in for a long haul in this economic downturn…

NOW, on to the REAL news of the day… Heather is here! Heather is my surrogate. I’m absolutely delighted to meet her. She’s every bit as warm and honest and friendly as I’d hope. She radiates a certain wholesomeness. She’s 19, a mother of a one-year-old (who is also here and absolutely precious), and so far, my expectations about her have been far exceeded. She’s only been here one day and we must tread carefully through this experience together, to make sure we honor and appreciate each other every step of the way. We plan to start a joint blog to chronicle our journey and share it with others. My half will be posted here and I’ll post a link to her half.

Heather will be my traditional surrogate. That means she will be egg donor and gestational carrier all in one. In the end, my child will be the biological half-sibling of her precious little son I met today. That was a trip! And very cool. He’s very likeable and smart and good natured.

We are hoping that the first experience will be good enough that we will both be on board for a second surrogacy. The second one will be gestational. I will go through the IVF process to ‘harvest’ my eggs and she will be the gestational carrier. So, baby number two will be bio-half-sib to baby number one. I’m beside myself with excitement and hope for this new plan.

We chose to do a round of TS for a few reasons: She’s so young that the odds of a successful pregnancy are very good. Eggs are young. Uterus is young. Etc. Add to that the risk that I’m still facing with the unknown factor of my own eggs, and the months I’ll have to wait before I can do an Egg Retrieval (doc wants to address some issues that may be impeding good follicle and egg growth). There is still a possibility (of unknown probability) that we will come across issues with my eggs and that gestational surrogacy will not hold the best odds for me. Knowing that, I didn’t want to wait many months only to find out it was a no-go. So, we agreed that increasing my odds for success with baby number one would go a LONG way towards healing all the sorrow I hold in my heart over this long and arduous journey of infertility. Then, once I’m a happy mother of baby number one, if baby number two comes to fruition, it will be icing on the cake and not the whole kit-n-kaboodle. Make sense? Yes, it has become an insane game of playing odds… that is my life these days.

So, as I write this, Heather and Jason are sleeping peacefully in another room. Tomorrow morning, we go for our first follicle scan. I’m PRAYING that we see something good. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed that we see good things and can proceed with this cycle on plan. Please please please, God, let this cycle be successful. 

Sigh. Now I must try to sleep again. My head is swirling. With hope. With anxiety. With worry. With disbelief that this is here and happening after so many months of hard work and orchestration.